Mouthwash Is Never Wrong

Lately its been on my mind that I should just become a recreational dater out of sheer boredom and something to do. I'm really good at finding horrible dates. I should exercise this great ability and talent to share amusement with the world. Why let it go to waste? I seem to have the knack! At first it was annoying, but lately its just comical when I look back and have dozens of crazy stories to share. When sharing my stories I've been told I should write a book. I am 100% sure I do not have the will power or the attention span to do this. I figured the next best thing was a blog, right? Vent my frustrations...why not?

I figured with this being my first blog that I should share a story. Fittingly, I went on one just last week that I suppose is worthy of sharing. Though may not be in my hall of fame, it is the newest.

I feel utterly ridiculous admitting to this but after trying eHarmony, ChristianMingle, OKCupid, Plenty Of Fish, Zoosk, Match.com and MeetChristians.com I stooped to all time low trying out the Craigs List personals. I figured it couldn't be as bad as the previous. Let's just say I'm not the brightest bulb sometimes. I start emailing with.... lets call him Rufio (if you get my movie reference here... I had a huge crush on the actor in my adolescent years). Rufio was quite handsome, a young Matt Damon look alike of sorts. Good and educated, great job, sense of humor, seemingly good personality. What could the problem be? We make plans for dinner immediately. My first mistake? SHOWING UP TO HIS HOUSE TO PICK HIM UP WHEN I'VE NEVER MET HIM! Who just gives out their address like that to a strange woman? I can't believe I actually agreed to it. I suppose in my head I was thinking that after I rang the doorbell if he looked crazy and tried to smuggle me inside that I could just run down the street screaming help at the top of my lungs.  We jump in the car and head to dinner but not before I warn him that he will be hunted down and killed if I disappear. His response? "Don't worry, I have way more to loose than you do". Thanks dude! We choose to eat at a lovely Thai place. MMMMMMMM.... Thai food! We decide to split a meal and order a slightly spicy dish with a flame of 3. He tells me he loves hot food. Good, me too! What a great start! As we are waiting for our food I say to young Rufio "tell me about yourself, I know nothing". I'm thinking this is a nice way to start a conversation and get him talking for a while. What guy doesn't want to brag about themselves? He looks at me dead serious and says "I'm awesome and perfect and that's all you need to know". BOOM! He's done, bragging over. Wow, I think to myself. Such a man of substance.

The food then comes along and while we are eating he starts sweating and just gulping down the water. I remind him that he told me he liked hot food (P.S. it wasn't hot) and he looks at me with all seriousness and tells me its the mouthwashes fault. I look at him all confused and he gets upset saying he knows everything. The mouthwash has made him more susceptible to the spicy food. Okay, then.... ? He then proceeds to tell me he knows what he is talking about because he is always right. In-fact, get this "ONE time I thought I might be wrong, but I ended up being right that time too". Is this guy for real... yes, yes indeed he was.

At this point I've had enough listening to him drone on about how awesome and perfect he is and how he is apparently smarter than everyone else in the whole world. Honestly, this was the first time in my 40+ dates that I thought about getting up and walking out. His whole attitude and demeanor was enough to make anyone run in the opposite direction. I knew I was paying for my food though. It was a given at this point and I was not about to leave with my tummy half empty. I just try to make it through by keeping the conversation going. My next "dumb" question is "So Rufio, tell me, what do you like to do for fun?". Without even stopping to think he snaps back "nothing". I reply "nothing?" he says "yes, nothing. I only work". HA! "surely you do SOMETHING when you are not working...". I'm then told that "no, I get no enjoyment out of doing anything. I am emotionally damaged because my girlfriend broke up with me." STUPID me... "when did your girlfriend break up with you? Was it recent?" "Too recent..." *insert awkward silence*

This is basically where the date ended. We paid for our food and he invited me to watch a movie where I politely declined. I should also point out that during this really short dinner date he also not once asked me a question about myself. He also managed to sit texting on his phone almost the whole time. Probably with his ex-girlfriend, whom, I pretty much feel sorry for. I can't for the life of me fathom why she would want to break up with this awesome, perfect man who is never wrong and has impeccable oral hygiene....