"Go Fly A Kite"

In the past week I managed to go out with 3 different guys with no avail... they actually all were normal. Except one clingy one. I have no new stories to share. BOOOOO! Don't you worry. I'm sharing a story from my vault of bewilderment.

I met Mark in March on Plenty Of Fish (no that's not really his name so don't go looking for him. I just thought it would be witty to use an M name with March, OK?) . We actually went out on two dates. The first date was a quick date out for Sushi which was quite pleasant. We had good conversation and he was quite the gentleman with a nice country Ozark accent and everything. I had to be up at 2 am to go to work so we didn't stay out very long. I agreed to go out with Mark again the next week since we had seemed to get along just fine the first time. Since it was March and just starting to get warm out we decided to hit up the park on a very lovely evening. We actually flew a kite. I was quite impressed with the creativity of the date planning. I felt like a kid again and we took turns flying and running around like children giggling. We then had dinner on the lake outside. It was beautiful and he shared quite a lot with me that night. Even gave me his last name and his social security number. What could possibly go wrong in this story?! Come on!

This date of good conversation and giggling finally comes to an end and he drives me back to my place. We are sitting in the parking lot of my apartment building and stupid me decides, hey, this guy seems great, maybe I'll invite him for a bit. My roommates home anyways so I should be safe. He politely accepts and follows me in. My lovely roommate is chilling on the couch as I introduce them I walk around the corner to drop my purse in my bedroom with the expectations to come right back out to the living room where we can chat for a bit. HOWEVER, this was clearly not what his expectations were because the next thing I know I felt someone body slam me down onto my bed. It took me a second to recover from the shock. I'm wondering what the heck is going on... All of a sudden I realize this “southern gentleman” has literally jumped on top of me and is demanding me to “TAKE IT”. I then realize something is poking me... I notice he has whipped THE you know WHAT out... um... it took a whole 5 seconds for this whole scenario to happen. Was he a stealth ninja? How did he move so fast? Had he planned this whole attack out before the date or while he was out with me? Not sure, but either way I can not even describe the horror going through my head. I yell “PUT THAT THING AWAY” as I shove him off me. I walk out the living room where I feel things are quite awkward at this point. He says he is going to get going. GOOD! Thank God! I promptly walk him to the door and shove it in his face. GOOD DAY SIR, DO NOT COME BACK! I tell my roomie what happened and she just looks at me stunned. Now we are both stunned. We sit in silence for a bit. I decide to Facebook stalk him since he did share all his personal details with me. I was curious what kind of person would think it OK to attack a woman like this without even knowing her. I immediately find him considering his name is not super popular. OH WAIT... WHAT IS THIS.... MARK HAS A GIRLFRIEND? No... really.... your kidding me... pfffft... OF COURSE HE DOES!

My phone goes off... you'll never guess who it is... Did you guess Mark? You're wrong. Okay, fine you are right. “Can I see you tomorrow?” Me: “I'm busy tomorrow”; next text: “and the day after that”; very last text: “annnnd I'm busy for the rest of my life don't ever contact me again”. Next thing I do? Naturally, I stalked his 18 year old hottie girlfriend, duh, don't judge me! And don't even pretend like you wouldn't do that exact same thing! 10 minutes after he left my place she updated her very public status to “I have the best boyfriend ever”. WOW... honey, if only you knew the truth. Don't worry. I left it at that. I'm no drama starter. Even though I so badly wanted to message her and inform her that her “best boyfriend ever just went on a date with me and attacked me with his member”.

This however is not the end of this grand story. There is a part II... Just in case you were wondering what ever happened to Mark in March. Not that I ever really cared , but yes, I am a very lucky girl indeed. There's how many millions of people in St. Louis? What are the odds I would ever run into an old date again? Apparently the odds are in my favor.

Three weeks ago my kiddo and I were sitting eating at “Bake & Shake” (you know it as Steak n Shake but its too darn cute to correct my innocent 4 year old so I continually fool him into thinking he's correct) after church. I had just finished enjoy the Jalapeno Crunch Chicken Sandwich. Guess who walks in and sits down in the booth RIGHT behind us, so that I am eye to eye, stuck in the most awkward position of my life? Yes, yes, yes! Mark in March and he's most surely accompanied by his jail bait of a girlfriend. I think to myself “oooooh maybe he won't recogonize me”. Nope, he definitely does! I'm done eating but of course for those of you who have children will understand my frustrations here that kids do not like to inhale their food as quickly as us grown adults. I start to get on him to finish his grilled cheese. I have never wanted this kid to not eat so badly in my entire life. I can just feel this guy burning small holes all over my body with his cheating eyeballs.

While waiting for my kid to eat his food I imagined all the multiple ways this could play out. I imagine if my kid had NOT been with me all the creative and sarcastic things I could say to him standing next to that table. Or maybe I could chuck some french fries over at his face. For those of you who know me and how sarcastic I am I'm sure you can predict what was going through my head. Instead I literally grabbed the waitress impatiently as she walked by me and sternly demanded she get me a “to go box immediately!” I don't believe I've ever booked it out of a restaurant so fast in my life.