"Go Fly A Kite"

In the past week I managed to go out with 3 different guys with no avail... they actually all were normal. Except one clingy one. I have no new stories to share. BOOOOO! Don't you worry. I'm sharing a story from my vault of bewilderment.

I met Mark in March on Plenty Of Fish (no that's not really his name so don't go looking for him. I just thought it would be witty to use an M name with March, OK?) . We actually went out on two dates. The first date was a quick date out for Sushi which was quite pleasant. We had good conversation and he was quite the gentleman with a nice country Ozark accent and everything. I had to be up at 2 am to go to work so we didn't stay out very long. I agreed to go out with Mark again the next week since we had seemed to get along just fine the first time. Since it was March and just starting to get warm out we decided to hit up the park on a very lovely evening. We actually flew a kite. I was quite impressed with the creativity of the date planning. I felt like a kid again and we took turns flying and running around like children giggling. We then had dinner on the lake outside. It was beautiful and he shared quite a lot with me that night. Even gave me his last name and his social security number. What could possibly go wrong in this story?! Come on!

This date of good conversation and giggling finally comes to an end and he drives me back to my place. We are sitting in the parking lot of my apartment building and stupid me decides, hey, this guy seems great, maybe I'll invite him for a bit. My roommates home anyways so I should be safe. He politely accepts and follows me in. My lovely roommate is chilling on the couch as I introduce them I walk around the corner to drop my purse in my bedroom with the expectations to come right back out to the living room where we can chat for a bit. HOWEVER, this was clearly not what his expectations were because the next thing I know I felt someone body slam me down onto my bed. It took me a second to recover from the shock. I'm wondering what the heck is going on... All of a sudden I realize this “southern gentleman” has literally jumped on top of me and is demanding me to “TAKE IT”. I then realize something is poking me... I notice he has whipped THE you know WHAT out... um... it took a whole 5 seconds for this whole scenario to happen. Was he a stealth ninja? How did he move so fast? Had he planned this whole attack out before the date or while he was out with me? Not sure, but either way I can not even describe the horror going through my head. I yell “PUT THAT THING AWAY” as I shove him off me. I walk out the living room where I feel things are quite awkward at this point. He says he is going to get going. GOOD! Thank God! I promptly walk him to the door and shove it in his face. GOOD DAY SIR, DO NOT COME BACK! I tell my roomie what happened and she just looks at me stunned. Now we are both stunned. We sit in silence for a bit. I decide to Facebook stalk him since he did share all his personal details with me. I was curious what kind of person would think it OK to attack a woman like this without even knowing her. I immediately find him considering his name is not super popular. OH WAIT... WHAT IS THIS.... MARK HAS A GIRLFRIEND? No... really.... your kidding me... pfffft... OF COURSE HE DOES!

My phone goes off... you'll never guess who it is... Did you guess Mark? You're wrong. Okay, fine you are right. “Can I see you tomorrow?” Me: “I'm busy tomorrow”; next text: “and the day after that”; very last text: “annnnd I'm busy for the rest of my life don't ever contact me again”. Next thing I do? Naturally, I stalked his 18 year old hottie girlfriend, duh, don't judge me! And don't even pretend like you wouldn't do that exact same thing! 10 minutes after he left my place she updated her very public status to “I have the best boyfriend ever”. WOW... honey, if only you knew the truth. Don't worry. I left it at that. I'm no drama starter. Even though I so badly wanted to message her and inform her that her “best boyfriend ever just went on a date with me and attacked me with his member”.

This however is not the end of this grand story. There is a part II... Just in case you were wondering what ever happened to Mark in March. Not that I ever really cared , but yes, I am a very lucky girl indeed. There's how many millions of people in St. Louis? What are the odds I would ever run into an old date again? Apparently the odds are in my favor.

Three weeks ago my kiddo and I were sitting eating at “Bake & Shake” (you know it as Steak n Shake but its too darn cute to correct my innocent 4 year old so I continually fool him into thinking he's correct) after church. I had just finished enjoy the Jalapeno Crunch Chicken Sandwich. Guess who walks in and sits down in the booth RIGHT behind us, so that I am eye to eye, stuck in the most awkward position of my life? Yes, yes, yes! Mark in March and he's most surely accompanied by his jail bait of a girlfriend. I think to myself “oooooh maybe he won't recogonize me”. Nope, he definitely does! I'm done eating but of course for those of you who have children will understand my frustrations here that kids do not like to inhale their food as quickly as us grown adults. I start to get on him to finish his grilled cheese. I have never wanted this kid to not eat so badly in my entire life. I can just feel this guy burning small holes all over my body with his cheating eyeballs.

While waiting for my kid to eat his food I imagined all the multiple ways this could play out. I imagine if my kid had NOT been with me all the creative and sarcastic things I could say to him standing next to that table. Or maybe I could chuck some french fries over at his face. For those of you who know me and how sarcastic I am I'm sure you can predict what was going through my head. Instead I literally grabbed the waitress impatiently as she walked by me and sternly demanded she get me a “to go box immediately!” I don't believe I've ever booked it out of a restaurant so fast in my life.  

Mouthwash Is Never Wrong

Lately its been on my mind that I should just become a recreational dater out of sheer boredom and something to do. I'm really good at finding horrible dates. I should exercise this great ability and talent to share amusement with the world. Why let it go to waste? I seem to have the knack! At first it was annoying, but lately its just comical when I look back and have dozens of crazy stories to share. When sharing my stories I've been told I should write a book. I am 100% sure I do not have the will power or the attention span to do this. I figured the next best thing was a blog, right? Vent my frustrations...why not?

I figured with this being my first blog that I should share a story. Fittingly, I went on one just last week that I suppose is worthy of sharing. Though may not be in my hall of fame, it is the newest.

I feel utterly ridiculous admitting to this but after trying eHarmony, ChristianMingle, OKCupid, Plenty Of Fish, Zoosk, Match.com and MeetChristians.com I stooped to all time low trying out the Craigs List personals. I figured it couldn't be as bad as the previous. Let's just say I'm not the brightest bulb sometimes. I start emailing with.... lets call him Rufio (if you get my movie reference here... I had a huge crush on the actor in my adolescent years). Rufio was quite handsome, a young Matt Damon look alike of sorts. Good and educated, great job, sense of humor, seemingly good personality. What could the problem be? We make plans for dinner immediately. My first mistake? SHOWING UP TO HIS HOUSE TO PICK HIM UP WHEN I'VE NEVER MET HIM! Who just gives out their address like that to a strange woman? I can't believe I actually agreed to it. I suppose in my head I was thinking that after I rang the doorbell if he looked crazy and tried to smuggle me inside that I could just run down the street screaming help at the top of my lungs.  We jump in the car and head to dinner but not before I warn him that he will be hunted down and killed if I disappear. His response? "Don't worry, I have way more to loose than you do". Thanks dude! We choose to eat at a lovely Thai place. MMMMMMMM.... Thai food! We decide to split a meal and order a slightly spicy dish with a flame of 3. He tells me he loves hot food. Good, me too! What a great start! As we are waiting for our food I say to young Rufio "tell me about yourself, I know nothing". I'm thinking this is a nice way to start a conversation and get him talking for a while. What guy doesn't want to brag about themselves? He looks at me dead serious and says "I'm awesome and perfect and that's all you need to know". BOOM! He's done, bragging over. Wow, I think to myself. Such a man of substance.

The food then comes along and while we are eating he starts sweating and just gulping down the water. I remind him that he told me he liked hot food (P.S. it wasn't hot) and he looks at me with all seriousness and tells me its the mouthwashes fault. I look at him all confused and he gets upset saying he knows everything. The mouthwash has made him more susceptible to the spicy food. Okay, then.... ? He then proceeds to tell me he knows what he is talking about because he is always right. In-fact, get this "ONE time I thought I might be wrong, but I ended up being right that time too". Is this guy for real... yes, yes indeed he was.

At this point I've had enough listening to him drone on about how awesome and perfect he is and how he is apparently smarter than everyone else in the whole world. Honestly, this was the first time in my 40+ dates that I thought about getting up and walking out. His whole attitude and demeanor was enough to make anyone run in the opposite direction. I knew I was paying for my food though. It was a given at this point and I was not about to leave with my tummy half empty. I just try to make it through by keeping the conversation going. My next "dumb" question is "So Rufio, tell me, what do you like to do for fun?". Without even stopping to think he snaps back "nothing". I reply "nothing?" he says "yes, nothing. I only work". HA! "surely you do SOMETHING when you are not working...". I'm then told that "no, I get no enjoyment out of doing anything. I am emotionally damaged because my girlfriend broke up with me." STUPID me... "when did your girlfriend break up with you? Was it recent?" "Too recent..." *insert awkward silence*

This is basically where the date ended. We paid for our food and he invited me to watch a movie where I politely declined. I should also point out that during this really short dinner date he also not once asked me a question about myself. He also managed to sit texting on his phone almost the whole time. Probably with his ex-girlfriend, whom, I pretty much feel sorry for. I can't for the life of me fathom why she would want to break up with this awesome, perfect man who is never wrong and has impeccable oral hygiene....